Perfectionism - There’s More to it Than You Think

Life is messy. No matter how well we plan, things go awry. No matter how perfectly put together our outfit, there’s a coffee stain about to happen. No matter how hard we try to use the right words at the right time and in the right order, eventually, we trip over our tongues.

Life isn’t perfect, and neither are we. For many people, that fact is just that — a fact. For others, it’s a much bigger challenge. In this post, we’re taking a closer look at perfectionism – the different types and manifestations, the connection to adverse childhood events, consequences related to perfectionism, and some ways to ease the hold if “the perfect monster” has its claws in you and your life.

Two Types and Multidimensional

There are two types of perfectionism — adaptive and maladaptive. The difference is pretty clear and easy to understand. Adaptive perfectionism is characterized by a sense of optimism, joy, and a healthy desire to improve combined with the ability and willingness to recognize limitations. On the other hand, maladaptive perfectionism has constant dissatisfaction as a hallmark. Shame and fear are also common.

Back in the early 1990s, scholars Hewitt and Flett asserted that perfectionism was multidimensional and had social and personal constructs (Hewitt & Flett, 1991). No dimension is better than any other. They are simply different presentations. Here’s a breakdown:

• Self-oriented Perfectionism (SOP). I must be perfect.


• Other-oriented Perfectionism (OOP). You must be perfect.


• Socially Prescribed Perfectionism (SPP). Everyone expects me to be perfect.


• Perfectionistic Self Presentation (PSP). I must appear perfect or conceal any imperfections from view. PSP has a few different components including:
  
  
  • Perfectionistic Self-Promotion. I make a point to share examples of my perfection publicly.
  
  
  • Non-Display of Imperfection. I am driven to find ways to hide signs of my imperfection.
  
  
  • Non-Disclosure of Imperfection. I am driven to avoid talking about signs of perceived imperfection.
  
  

Maladaptive Perfectionism and Adverse Childhood Events

Researchers have found that perfectionism develops at least partly in response to adverse childhood events. Parental behaviors and childhood traumatic events that “fostered feelings of despair, shame/defectiveness, powerlessness, or a lack of felt security” (Chen, et.al., 2019) have been linked to maladaptive perfectionism in adulthood. This seems to be particularly true of the more social aspects of perfectionism (SPP and PSP). Family dysfunction like parental separation or divorce, substance abuse or mental illness in the family, domestic abuse, or parental incarceration is associated specifically with non-display of imperfection while childhood abuse (sexual, physical, or emotional) positively predicted SPP and PSP dimensions of perfectionism in young adults (Chen, et.al., 2019). Children have little or no control over the events that happen in their lives. When those events are traumatic, perfectionism can develop in an attempt to reassert control or to avoid a recurrence later on.

The Consequences of Perfectionism

Perfectionism has short- and long-term consequences. Early studies date back at least to the late 1970s. Over the last 45 years or so, researchers have shown that maladaptive perfectionism is detrimental to health, relationships, and occupational and educational achievement. Some of the issues with links to maladaptive perfectionism include:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Personality disorders
• Eating disorders
• Self-harm
• Suicidal ideation and follow-through
• Cardiovascular disease
• Hypertension
• Difficulty coping with and recovering from chronic illness
• Procrastination
• Reduced Productivity
• Difficulty in interpersonal relationships
• Early mortality

Releasing Perfectionism

Maladaptive perfectionism, in all its forms, is learned. It includes deep cognitive, emotional, and behavioral patterns that have been practiced repeatedly over long periods, so releasing it, or breaking the habit, takes time and patience. It also requires the understanding that, like everything else in life, the process of releasing perfectionism is filled with imperfection. Here are some ideas that can help (Athena Leadership Academy, 2024 & The Mindtools Content Team, 2024):

• Listen to how you feel as you engage with a task or with other people. If you feel anxious, overwhelmed, or ashamed, there’s a chance that perfectionism is playing a role. Try listening to your critical self-talk and tuning in for the sounds of perfectionism. When you hear it, fight it with positive, reasonable self-talk. It might be useful to create a list of affirmations to use when you need to combat your inner perfectionist. Some examples, to get you started, are:
  • Done is better than perfect.
  • My worth is not wrapped up in my achievements.
  • Making mistakes is healthy and helps me learn new things.
  • There’s more than one way to do, think, and be.
• Notice the types of goals you set for yourself. When perfectionism is on board, goals are often unrealistic. Learn to set realistic goals. Use the acronym SMART. These goals are:
  • Specific
  • Measurable
  • Attainable
  • Relevant
  • Time-bound
• Learn to view mistakes as opportunities rather than disasters. When perfectionism drives the bus, the journey can be stressful, narrow, and lonely. Fear of making mistakes and/or being seen making mistakes can prevent perfectionists from trying new things, engaging with new people, and learning and leaning outside of their comfort zones. To learn and grow, making mistakes is part of the package. Remember the affirmation: Making mistakes is healthy and helps me learn new things. If you want to push yourself, try deliberately making a mistake now and then. Taking a little risk by trying something new is also a good antidote to perfectionism.
• Zoom out. Learn to look at the bigger picture. When perfectionism is in play, the focus narrows, sometimes to a pin-prick. You get lost in the first sentence of a 75-page dissertation. Learn to broaden your view. Focus on substance rather than the minute details. This can help shift out of perfectionistic lock-down.
• Learn to relax. Perfectionism is stressful and can be exhausting. Give yourself time to rest and play. Yoga and mindfulness practices might be particularly helpful with their focus on non-judgmental awareness. Relaxation can help you build your tolerance for life (like that is full of mistakes, redos, tangled twists, and beautiful turns).

If perfectionism is preventing you from enjoying your life, if it’s causing you anxiety or distress, or if you’re struggling to achieve the goals you want to achieve, help is available. Your inner perfectionist might tell you that you should handle whatever problems you’re experiencing on your own, but that’s a trap. The truth is that reaching out for help is a superpower, and it is the first step in combating the perfectionism monster.

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of self-harm or suicide, don’t wait. Call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. Someone is available 24/7.